les pensées insouciantes

I read somewhere that many obese people cannot get full medical care because they are too fat to fit into scanners, or their fat is too dense for X-rays and sound waves to penetrate.

This, at first, sounds bad. But, only at first. Because, if you think about it, it sounds kind of awesome if your fatness can render certain types of technology impotent. Being fat isn’t so bad after all if it affords you unique powers. Blocking sound waves sounds like a unique power, to me, anyway.

Seriously, what an awesome pickup line: “So, did you know that I block sound waves? Yep, the army has asked me to lecture at West Point. Another mudslide? Bennigan’s makes a terrific mudslide.”

Fact is if you’re so fat that neither X-rays nor sound waves can penetrate you, then you can probably block out other harmful elements, like nuclear fallout, superficial stab wounds, medium-caliber bullets and recordings by Fergie. I remember reading about a mobster who was shot a dozen times but survived because all of the bullets got lost in his flabby folds of flesh (for more information, check Flabby Folds of Flesh Monthly, July 1998, pp. 123-27 - it’s the one with me on the cover).

We need to stop being so narrow-minded, Maybe instead of seeing the obese as weak, we should view them as superheroes: larger-than-life characters who possess special powers that make them impervious to dangers lurking around them. Seriously - the obese have done something to their bodies that gives them a power the rest of us don’t have. And instead of glorifying that, we laugh at it.

Maybe - just maybe - they have the right idea. From an evolutionary perspective, gaining huge amounts of weight might protect us from threats we don’t even know exist yet. Perhaps creatures from outer space might land with sound wave weaponry - and the only folks who can fight them off are the really fat ones.

Then who will be laughing? Not you. Because you’ll be dead. I’ll be laughing, however, because I’ll be fat.

From Greg Gutfeld’s The Bible of Unspeakable Truths. Get it from Amazon here.

UPDATE:

Joe Coscarelli points out the following scientific evidence:

ohhleary:

Thanks for your patience, those who have stuck with me through today. I’m done with all the MTA and Target stuff for now. But don’t instigate me; you’ve all seen the consequences.

THE RED SOX SUCK.